What's the point of Awakening?
Dear seeker,
Greetings from Armenia!
As you may or may not know, I arrived in my home country of Yerevan, Armenia less than a week ago Although I’m still in a jet-lag haze (currently writing this at 4am), I’m feeling called to address another community question I received about spiritual awakening.
FYI, I don’t have a particular system for answering community questions; I just save them in a folder on my phone and trust that the inspiration to respond will hit when the timing is right.
Being in my home country for the first time since my cult indoctrination, there is no better time for me to address this person’s question than now–
Phew. I don’t know about you, but I can definitely relate to this. Basically, what I’m hearing is:
What is the point of spiritual awakening?
Why do some people experience awakening and others don’t?
Can we ever be fully ‘awakened’ or healed?
How do we know if our spiritual awakening is genuine or manufactured by new-age?
These questions are near & dear to me because they happen to be the premise of a book that’s been dying to pour out of me for the last 3 years–it’s impossible for me to address this in a single newsletter so you’re just gonna have to wait for the book :) –
But I will say this–
If you’re also asking these questions, you’re definitely in the right place. These questions hit straight to the heart of what this newsletter (and my work) is about–authentic spiritual awakening.
What is Awakening?
I wanna let you in on a quick backstory.
When I first started writing my book about my spiritual awakening, I was at an OSHO ashram in India. I had a vision that the book would be called “Becoming Sattva,” and it would be largely based on my satori experience during one of my meditation trainings.
Satori is a Zen Buddhist term for Awakening. It describes the experience of a “sudden flash of insight into your true nature.” My satori experience happened after a week-long intensive training where I worked with the koan, or inquiry: Who Is In?
That’s all satori is–just an experience. But it was one of those experiences that bears significance for a seeker because it feels as close to ‘enlightenment’ as possible. Where the boundaries between inside and outside blur and there’s a brief suspension of the “I” who is having an experience and all that is left is just that–an experience. It’s a paradox that the Buddha describes as: “emptiness is fullness and fullness is emptiness.”
So I wrote about my satori experience and sent it to my former mentor who liked it so much that he included it as an excerpt in his newly published book. Funny enough, I received this book in the mail just shortly before this trip to Armenia.
But that’s not the backstory. The backstory is how I ended up at the OSHO ashram in the first place.
On Being and Becoming
The last time I was here in Armenia was at the end of 2018, right before my cult indoctrination. In fact, I flew to India from Armenia to attend a 28-day meditation teacher training program. The plan was to come back to Armenia and continue teaching meditation. I had just started my teaching/coaching practice.
Then I got indoctrinated.
The world got hit with a global pandemic.
And Armenia got hit with a brutal war.
Long story short (very short), this war is what shattered my cult identity. And I guess you could say it radicalized me in a way.
Isn’t it ironic that I had to lose myself in order to remember who I am?
You see, OSHO has us convinced that in order to have a genuine spiritual awakening, we need to strip ourselves of our original identity and adopt a new name, new identity, new subculture, and new chosen family. I did not think to question how ass backwards this was.
According to OSHO, spiritual awakening is the process of being and becoming: being who you are (pure consciousness), and becoming who you’re meant to be (an individual).
If that’s truly the case, then why did I need to ‘become’ Sattva? Why would I need to become someone other than who I already am in order to experience authentic spiritual growth? It made no sense to me then, and it still makes little sense to me now.
But knowing what I know about cult indoctrination and psychological programming, I get it. I can’t say for sure what OSHO’s intentions were; he lived and died as a controversial teacher. But if I truly took his teachings to heart (which I think I did), I know this much for sure: I wouldn’t be in a cult.
In a way, I think leaving the OSHO cult is/was the biggest testament of my commitment to my own seekerhood. I’d like to think that this is what OSHO truly would have wanted for his sannyasins: to surrender the whole pursuit of spiritual awakening and give up trying to become anything, altogether.
This is where I’m headed.
My personal take on Awakening
Earlier this year I rejected the title of ‘spiritual teacher’ for myself. I’m actually very weary of giving people spiritual advice, even when they ask me. I can share my experiences and make recommendations, but I’m kinda over making a big deal about spirituality. Thanks to new-age, it has become another hobby & fascination for the ego to establish separateness & superiority.
There’s really nothing ‘spiritual’ about me except for the fact that I enjoy writing about spirituality because transpersonal psychology is a compelling topic of study for me. But it’s not the only topic that I study–just the one that I’m most familiar with because I’m obsessed with my own psyche. I have fun nerding out with others over our mutual self-obsession. I must admit, I’m fascinated by my own selfhood. It’s a very mysterious experience, indeed.
That said, I no longer identify with any particular lineage although I’m still naturally drawn to Zen teachings for their minimalism and simplicity. I believe we can study religious or spiritual doctrine without entering into a deep relationship with texts, teachers, rituals, or practices. We certainly can, if we want to; but it’s not necessary. To each their own.
I think religious and spiritual beliefs are beautiful and I honor mine; however, I try not to let them define me. At the end of the day, that’s all they are–just beliefs. All beliefs are sourced from the ego mind.
Currently, I’m working on dis-identifying and disentangling myself from all spiritual beliefs, identities, and practices as part of my cult deprogramming. I’m just working on being more of ‘myself.’ Whatever that means ;)
Occasionally I get the spontaneous urge to pray, meditate, pull a tarot card, whisper to my crystals, or talk to God. I still enjoy these practices and I don’t resist them. I also think there is tremendous value in having a disciplined spiritual practice like meditation, but spirituality is for everybody..not just those who follow a particular lineage, ritual, or doctrine.
The only reason I call myself a spiritual seeker is because I’m committed to my growth and evolution as a person. But this is no longer the center of my existence. The center of my existence is my shared humanity with others. The way that I measure that is through my relationships–how deeply can I relate to my fellow humans? How much can I share in their joy and suffering? When I experience a separation, I make a mental note to reflect on it later. This is how I practice ‘engaged spirituality’ in my daily life. At the time that I’m writing this, the point of my Awakening is interdependence. Right now, this is the spiritual attainment that aligns with my egalitarian worldview.
And if I’m being completely honest, the word “seeker” has become more of a marketing buzzword to position my brand and define my niche. I’m sorry if that’s not sexy, but it’s just the truth. These days I’m more interested in telling the truth; it’s exhausting trying to be anyone else other than a messy, imperfect human trying to navigate her way in a confusing world, like the rest of us.
I get confused about my beliefs as well; I practice a healthy dose of skepticism about my own experiences. I’ve learned to lean into this and let it be enough. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I practice the mantra: all is well, all is well, nothing is missing. I share what I think is effective in solving our human problems and I’ll reflect and try to do better when I’m wrong. It’s pretty simple, really.
And of course, I still practice Who Is In. This koan is my anchor point that keeps me grounded.
In Zen, there is a famous collection of paintings called “Ten Zen Bulls” that tells the story of a farmer’s search for his lost bull that represents an allegory of the search for enlightenment. Read one of the most significant stories in Zen about Awakening.
Friendly reminder…
Sooo, I’m not sure how well I answered our community question for today but I’ll put this way:
If your spirituality is not growing more compassion and (intellectual) humility in you; if your spiritual beliefs and practices are making you more intolerant, intolerable, rigid, polarizing, egotistical, and hypocritical…then it’s probably not the genuine Awakening you are after. You might wanna check your dogma at the door and question who/what you’re following. Oh, and if large swaths of people are screaming on the top of their lungs about how your ‘brand’ of spirituality is harmful to vulnerable, historically marginalized, or indigenous groups of people, that’s definitely a red flag!!!!
A friendly reminder that no one owns the Truth. All Truths can co-exist so long as your Truth does not insist on the subjugation, dehumanization, marginalization, or victimization of other people.
And so it is.
Conclusion
I’m always trying to simplify spirituality for folks, so my hope is to help make it a little less perilous & confusing by normalizing the full range of our experiences. I honor the parts of you that are messy and learning and I invite you to do the same. Your doubts may not always be cleared, but they are welcome here.
And as always, thank you for reading, engaging, and showing up. I’ve been enjoying the organic growth of this community (there are close to 3,000 of you in my newsletter alone)! It means a lot to me that you read and share my words. I appreciate you.
If you’re interested in reading the excerpt of my satori experience mentioned above, I’m going to publish it over on my Patreon. I’m super proud of this piece of writing and ready to share it with the world…but it’s still pretty personal so I’ve reserved it for my Patreon subscribers only. Becoming a patron is a great way to support my work as an independent writer/educator and access additional bonus content that I specifically curate for this intimate community.
Till next time :)
Love,
Margarit
P.S. Yes, I still go by Sattva online even though this is my sannyasin name. There are a few reasons for this; the biggest one being that it’s become somewhat of a nickname that also represents my brand identity. Given my unhealthy history with social media, it’s really supportive for me to have a separate brand identity because it helps me maintain boundaries around my person and my brand–I don’t believe our brand should be an extension of our personhood. (This is also something that I talk about on Patreon as part of ethical entrepreneurship). Unless I’ve given you explicit consent to call me by my birth name, I still prefer to be called Sattva in this space. Thank you :)
P.P.S. I’ve got some great feedback from my last podcast episode on Deconstructing the Money Cult in New-age and the Coaching Industry. You can also listen to it on Apple, Podbean, Spotify, and Google.